I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
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Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”