I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
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Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
ugh not again
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.