I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard