I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
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I need this for my side hustle.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I feel seen.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.