I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Sharon, call the vet
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”