I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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