I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
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I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.