i was baptized in a car wash
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YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.