“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.