I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
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My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Twitter remains undefeated
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?