I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
You Might Also Like
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Ape together strong
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird