I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
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My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
british sex workers really pound for pound
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick