I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.