I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk