I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.