I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
wish me luck lads
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
yes… yes…
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food