I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
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If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
You know…for fall…
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
groan^2
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.