I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.