I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Breaking news:
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal