I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled