I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all