I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
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how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
I have never heard an armadillo before.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!