I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.