@DiamondLou69

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

You Might Also Like

@FunInternetGuy

A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends

@OlanDevine

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

@stephanidek

Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible

Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too

@QwertyJones3

Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.

@IceHuck

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

@WilliamAder

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

@daddygofish

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

@SteveSuckington

Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints

Mints: you have beautiful eyes

Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary