I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.