I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.