@FunInternetGuy A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
@DiamondLou69 I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
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@FunInternetGuy 
@OlanDevine Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
@stephanidek Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
@QwertyJones3 Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
@pixelatedboat Godspeed, John Glenn
@IceHuck Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
@WilliamAder The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
@daddygofish It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
@SteveSuckington Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
@rubyetc #have a #great #PancakeDay
