I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
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Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
A dad and his duck
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…