I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company
![]()
You Might Also Like
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.