I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
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[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
@funTweeters
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?