I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
You Might Also Like
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
he chose this
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.