I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
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Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME