I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
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Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.