I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
