I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
My flabber has been gasted.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]