I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
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When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”