Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.