I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
You Might Also Like
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.