i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
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A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Danger is very dangerous
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Always…
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face