@TlaxBoy05

i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers

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@RickAaron

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

@dreamthievin

Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl

@XplodingUnicorn

No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.

@GrantTanaka

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

@patnspankme

I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

@Reverend_Scott

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

@apok842

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

@krisv_723

You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.

@ericsshadow

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.