I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
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(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti