I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
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ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
adding to the discourse
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.