I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
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