I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

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Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.


So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea


Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.


Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil


January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday


I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?


Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”


“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”


I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.


[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)