@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

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@darksidedeb

Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.

@68Cly29

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

@iRowlf

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

@FormerHumorist

Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil

@lurie_john

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

@aveuaskew

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

@mommywhitfield

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

@SCbchbum

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

@E_Ville13

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at wedding]

Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace

Me (raises hand)

Pastor: It’s your wedding

Me (lowers hand)