I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
You Might Also Like
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.