I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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