I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
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Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?