I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
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ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.