I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
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My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.