I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Feels
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.