I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
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Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.