I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
You Might Also Like
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.