I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom