I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
You Might Also Like
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there