I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing